Wow such a beautiful nursery rhyme! Even the English translation also rhymes! It’s true that translation can’t capture the fullness of original; nonetheless your English translation above is great. Thanks a lot for sharing it; indeed a priceless and cherished memory!
In my dialect, tau1 also means home. We also use it to means a location; e.g. 來這兜 lai5-cit4-tau1 = come here; 彼兜 hit4-tau1 = there; [哪]一兜 to`5-cit8-tau1 (tau2)? = where?
Is 等候 usually pronounced as ting2-hau7 (teng2-hau7) in Taiwanese? In mine it’s usually thing3-hau7 [although 等 is tan2, 等待 tan2-thai7 and 等等 ting2-ting2].
Below is my crude attempt at translating your lovely poem:
Taking in the scene of sunset in the twilight still
Is a flock of egrets flying over woods and hills.
Lock'd in step with season change they fly a thousand miles,
Hard at work and brisk at play are what I most admire.
Notes:
(1) The translation use the a,b rhyme (a = -ill; b = mile/mire).
(2) It is a hexametric iambic with the foot of /accented, unaccented/ repeated 6 and half times. The breakdown is as follows:
Taking/in the/scene of/sunset/in the/twilight/still
Is a/flock of/egrets/flying/over/woods and/hills.
Lock'd in/step with/season/change they/fly a/thousand/miles.
Hard at/work and/brisk at/play are/what I/most ad-/mire.
(3) The subject of the verb in the first 2 lines is transferred from you to the egrets. Now, instead of you, the birds are taking in the scene of sunset. This makes the person who reads the poem feel like flying among the birds. He/she now enjoys the true panoramic view of the sunset. Have you seen a French film called "Migration"? The photographers were flying with the migrating birds when shooting the film and showing the whole world below, some scenes are unforgetable, like the one flying over the Great Wall with snow cover.
(4) Your 群鳥 khûn niáu can be either "a flock" or "flocks" of birds. I use "a flock", with the belief that leaner is cleaner. Imagine a painting of sunset. If you have lots of birds, the picture gets cluttered, whereas if you have just a column of birds, it will enhance the scenery.
(5) For the 鳥 niáu in your poem, I have to become a translator-traitor now. When I used the word bird (one syllable), I was not able to come up with the right rhythm for the hexametric iambic. So, I pirated a word from a poem by Tō· Hú 杜甫:
一行白鷺上青天 It hâng péh lō· siāng chheng thian (A column of white egrets ascending the sky)
There the péh lō· is white egrets, so 'egrets' with 2 syllables fits the hexametric rhythm perfectly.
Hope I didn't butcher your poem.
I am a member of the International Crane Foundation, so as you can see, I love your poem not only because your poem rings so musical but also it strikes a chord in my heart. And that's what poetry is all about, isn't it?
Heruler
P.S. Notes on 等候. Originally I used théng hāu (that's what I usually pronounce them). Before I submitted the post, I checked the dictionary. Guess what? It says téng hāu. Therefore, I followed the orthography for the words. So, the reason we thought théng hāu was the right spelling is that we mix up 聽候 (as in 聽候指示) with 等候.
Last edited by Heruler on Thu Nov 23, 2006 4:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Now that's a great poem! Thanks a lot! Wow you know English poetry very well too! Kudos!
Thank you too for the info regarding poetry meter. Frankly speaking I am ignorant about it ; only can enjoy reading rhyming poems [that's why I strongly prefer rhyming hymns to contemporary worship songs].
I haven't watched the film (Migration); mostly know about bird migration from tv documentary programs. Btw, no worry about improving "bird" to "egret"; that's even better. It's great to know that you put efforts to save cranes. 加油!
ps: Thanks! It's so true that thing3-hau7 is actually 聽候 instead of 等候. In this case it seems that I have never heard people use the latter (ting2-hau7) in conversation.
On the Sony Classics Web site just click on >Enter, and then Video/Trailer. There you can view a few clips of the film.
This film is sometimes shown at public libraries, movie theaters for film buffs, or university student centers. If it is shown there, don't miss it. It's fantastic to watch it on a large screen. Of course, you can rent a DVD at your neighborhood video stores.
Even the English translation also rhymes! It’s true that translation can’t capture the fullness of original; nonetheless your English translation above is great. Thanks a lot for sharing it; indeed a priceless and cherished memory!
; only can enjoy reading rhyming poems [that's why I strongly prefer rhyming hymns to contemporary worship songs].